duminică, 10 martie 2013

I wont fall !

Incerc sa imi gasesc cuvintele... Uneori imi e atat de greu sa scriu ceva, parca mi-ar lipsi orice abilitate de a ma exprima. De obicei asta mi se intampla atunci cand sentimentele imi sunt messed up. In ultimele zile mi-am vazut cerul albastru, frumos, transformandu-se in cel mai urat gri posibil pe lumea asta. Uneori viata poate fi atat de urata... Zilele trecute, mai exact joi, pe cand eram inca la cursuri, am primit o veste proasta. Am facut ce am stiut mai bine. Mi-am tras un zambet pe fata si am parasit sala. Afara ploua incet. Aerul era proaspat si revigorant. Mi-am deschis umbrela si am pasit pe trotuarul umed. Drumul spre casa a fost lung si sec. Nu puteam gandi foarte multe. Cand am ajuns in fata blocului, nu prea aveam chef sa intru inauntru. Asa ca am facut o plimbare. Doar eu, umbrela mea, James Blunt si Dumnezeu. In momentul acela, credeam ca sunt doar eu cu umbrela si cu James. Insa azi pot spune ca Dumnezeu nu m-a parasit, chiar daca am pretins asta cateva zile. Eram suparata si manioasa. De ce a permis sa se intample asa ceva? De ce nu face El nimic? De ce tace? De ce nu e acolo cand aveam nevoie de El? Adevarul e, ca El niciodata nu plecase - eram doar orbita de durere, eram intrigata si nu puteam vedea dincolo de suferinta. Am uitat ca trebuie sa ma incred in Dumnezeu. Am uitat de dragostea Lui, de  promisiunile Lui. Am uitat ca El nu face nimic fara sa nu aiba un scop bine stabilit, un plan care lucreaza spre binele nostru. Inca nu inteleg si nici nu vad cum aceasta ar putea sa se transforme in ceva bun, insa aleg sa ma incred in El. Daca El m-a iubit atat de mult incat si-a sacrificat propriul Fiu pentru mine, macar atat ii datorez - increderea mea. Stiu ca El nu va parasi familia mea sau pe mine.
 In ultimele zile am primit multe incurajari pentru care sunt foarte multumitoare. Unele persoane m-au sfatuit, altii s-au rugat pt mine iar altii mi-au dat imbratisari. M-am simtit cu adevarat binecuvantata si ii multumesc lui Dumnezeu pentru aceste persoane. Daca esti dispus sa vezi... nu ai cum sa nu iti dai seama de dragostea lui Dumnezeu, chiar si atunci cand treci prin probleme. El lasa in viata ta oameni care sa te incurajeze si care sa te iubeasca. Oamenii care sa te sprijineasca, sa-ti stearga lacrimile sau sa planga cu tine :)) Depinde de situatie... Unelte in mana Creatorului. O data, eram acasa la sora mea si aveam grija de nepoteii mei. Nu-mi amintesc exact situatia, dar stiu ca eram suparata si cateva lacrimi si-au facut loc pe obrazul meu. Nepotelul meu, sa fi avut pe atunci 2 ani, a venit la mine, nu a spus nimic, ci doar mi-a sters lacrimile si m-a imbratisat. Era doar un copil dar cumva a stiut ca nu sunt in regula. Am simtit in imbratisarea lui, imbratisarea Tatalui si a fost cea mai dulce imbratisare...amintire pe care o voi pretui intotdeauna. Nu suntem niciodata singuri, si nu inteleg de ce uneori ne incapatanam sa credem asta. De ce atunci cand dam de greu, ne intoarcem imediat sa ii reprosam lui Dumnezeu? De ce ii suntem multumitori doar atunci cand primim lucruri bune, dar atunci cand suntem pusi la incercare, ne razvratim in doi timpi si trei miscari?
As vrea sa iti pot spune de ce Dumnezeu ne incearca uneori. Chiar si eu as vrea sa stiu de ce o face. De ce permite anumite lucruri sa se intample... Stiu doar ca aurul in foc se curateste si ca El vede dincolo de astazi, El cunoaste viitorul. El vede persoana care sunt astazi, persoana care as putea fi si prin ce trebuie sa trec ca sa ajung acolo. Daca am intelege tot ce lucreaza si tot ce are in minte, nu ar mai fi Dumnezeu.
Nu stiu cum e Dumnezeul tau sau cum il vezi tu pe Dumnezeu sau daca ai unul...
Insa iti pot spune despre Dumnezeul meu...Oh... E atat de bun, atat de multa dragoste si pace cata am gasit la El, nu am gasit in lumea intreaga si nimeni nu a putut sa imi dea ce mi-a dat El. Nu stiu de ce sunt incercata, dar azi aleg sa ma incred in El. Il iubesc atat de mult si stiu ca nu ar face nimic sa ma raneasca. Iar daca a sosit timpul ca unele persoane dragi din viata mea sa ma paraseasca, stiu ca El imi va umple golul lasat de plecarea lor. Stiu ca nu ma va parasi si nici nu ma va lasa sa disper. Stiu ca imi va fi intotdeauna aproape, asa cum mi-a fost si pana acum. Mereu credincios, indiferent de comportamentul meu. M-a iertat de nenumarate ori si de nenumarate ori m-a ridicat pe bratele Lui atunci cand nu mai puteam inainta. Stiu ca o va face si de data aceasta. Parca il aud soptindu-mi "Putin credincioasa", privindu-ma trist si apoi aplecandu-se sa ma ridice...
N-am facut nimic sa merit o asemenea dragoste...si totusi o simt in fiecare dimineata inundându-mi inima...

"Iată ce mai gândesc în inima mea şi iată ce mă face să mai trag nădejde:
 bunătăţile Domnului nu s-au sfârşit, îndurările Lui nu sunt la capăt,
 ci se înnoiesc în fiecare dimineaţă. Şi credincioşia Ta este atât de mare! –
 „Domnul este partea mea de moştenire”, zice sufletul meu; de aceea nădăjduiesc în El.
 Domnul este bun cu cine nădăjduieşte în El, cu sufletul care-L caută. "

                                                          ( Plangerile lui Ieremia 3:21-25)


vineri, 1 martie 2013

Thoughts (Chapter 8) I love You!

You never give up on me. You are always there, always taking care of me, always loving me. No judgment in your eyes, no hatred in your heart...No matter how many times I let You down, You're always taking me back and all I can see in Your beautiful eyes is LOVE. I can't stop thinking: Why? Why do You care so much? I didn't do anything to deserve such an amazing love. We both know how much I hurt You, but still I always find You near me, ready to forgive me. I don't deserve that, I don't. But I guess this is the beauty of Your grace. You don't owe me anything and still You choose to take care of me, to keep me walking on the waters, to guide me through the darkness.I feel so overwhelmed by Your love and I want the world to know the peace,the freedom and the happiness You can give. If they would only know...




Here is an amazing song from Will Reagan (Unitedpursuitband)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y7h6K13z0I

Lyrics:

I find that I'm safe and warm
In your loving arms

You see me
And You know me
And You love me
Through and through


vineri, 25 ianuarie 2013

Bad day...

I had a bad day and I felt the need to write something just to take my mind off it. I'm pretty sad and only one person could make me feel better. Whatever...You don't know who you are! Hahaa

I miss my grandma... I wonder what she would think about me now. She was always there for me when I needed her. She always taught me the best. She was a lovely lady who would've took anyone in her house, feed them and gave them a place to rest their heads. She was an inspiration for me and still is. She was a wise woman with an enormous heart.
I miss Raymond. Raymond was a beautiful doberman and he was my dog. I remember us running together through the woods. I remember him coming to me and lay his head on my legs. I remember his beautiful eyes. I remember that he chocked  one time. I was only 12. I didn't know what to do... I was scared to death. I was looking at him and saw him fighting for his life. I gave him a bucket of water but he tilted it while he was trying to drink from it. I didn't know what to do... :| Well, he didn't die. Finally I took a stick and hit him across the neck... Don't say anything. I was just a little girl, scared and all alone with a dying dog. I saved his life that day... I miss him...
I miss my family. My mom and dad... Though they are not that far away... I still miss them. It really sucks not seeing them all day&night. I miss the smell of a real food...
I miss my elder sister... She's far far away in a beautiful "kingdom". Oh God, how I need her advises right now. At least, I won't have to wait too long cause she's coming home.Yaaay...But until then I'm gonna miss her like crazy and my brother in law too. :D
I miss my childhood friend. I wont say her name. She knows best. We first met when I was in the second or third grade. Since that day and till high school we were inseparable. We went to school together. We came back home from school together. We fought for dolls when we were young...sometimes we fought just to fought. No reason. Childish things. But we always ended up together. We made plans on how we'll gonna move together in Cluj and have our own apartment. That didn't happened. Sadly... We fell apart. It was my fault. And I am sorry for that. I lost a friend. My best friend. I miss her...
I miss my <<fashioniste>> friend. I wont say her name either. She knows best. She is in Wien right now. I didn't saw her for such a long time. Since we've met, she was always there for me. Encouraging me, pushing me for the best, helping me... She is such a beauty and has such an amazing spirit. I can't be sad around her. I just can't...

I miss my nephews Caleb&Hadassa...
I miss ice-cream <3
I miss summer...
I miss rain...
I miss you...Yeah, you! :*

miercuri, 9 ianuarie 2013

Thoughts (Chapter 7) Questions vs Silence

So many thoughts are rushing through my head right now... What is strange is that I can't find the words to write them down. I had a conversation with God today. I remembered that 3 years ago or something like that, I asked Him 3 questions and  He promised that He will give me the answers, but He didn't yet. I told Him today that I still have those question, I still want my answers. Then I remembered something that Kim Walker (known as the worship leader for Jesus Culture) once said that she had questions too, she wanted answers too, but more than that... more than answers to her questions, she wanted Him. So, as I was talking to God,  reproaching Him that He didn't gave me the answers, I realized  that I want Him more than anything. I choose to trust Him that He will give my answers when He thinks is the right time, even if that means I will have to wait a thousand years...
I know He has a plan for me. I know I have a purpose in this world. More than just getting married, have kids and succeed in a carrier. I know! I just have to listen very carefully and be patient. And here comes the big issue. I'm not patient at all. I know it's wrong and I know I have to work on that. So I think this is God's idea to teach me how to be patience. I'm smiling while I am writing this because I'm  thinking : God! There've been 3 years!!! 3 years, God! Isn't that enough?   ...
Foolish thoughts! I'm a believer and when the right time comes I'll get my answers and much more...
God made life simple it is us who complicates it. He told us to put all of our problems in His powerful  hands and trust Him entirely. Why don't we just do that and be free? Why do we choose to worry instead of being relaxed? Why do we choose to break ourselves trying to solve our problems on our own instead of asking for help? Why do I keep searching for those answers when I should just trust God? Cause He knows what's best for me.
Jesus himself told us to ask for anything in his name and He would do it.

"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
                                                                                                                   (John 14: 12-14)

I asked. He respond, He always does. But I can't blame Him for telling me to wait. He is my Father. And like a father, he knows what's best for his children. So, I will learn to wait patiently... Cause what He promised,  He fulfills!




vineri, 4 ianuarie 2013

Thoughts (Chapter 6) He is with you!

"Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
                                        Isaiah 54:10

This was the God's word for me, on the first day of 2013... So comfortable to know that He will always be there for me, no matter what.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong... Sometimes I feel so alone, empty and cold. I feel numb. And in those very moments I'm struggling to remember His promises. He told us that He will never leave us, that He will always be there, that He has us in the palm of his hand. So why do we worry so much? Why do I worry so much? I am so good on telling someone "Do not worry. God will take care!" but when it comes to me... I give up so easily and let the anxiety to take control over my life.
I step back and crumble under pressure. I forget that God Himself promised He will be THERE. In my pain, in my sorrow, in my anxiety, in my nightmare. He promise me that He'll never leave my sight. That He will carry me over those things and put my feet on solid ground. That in Him I'm more than a conqueror.

              (“We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”Romans 8:37 )

I forget about His precious love, I forget about His perfect grace. I might even think that He abandoned me, even if I was the one who left. But you know what? He never forgets. No. He never forgets me. No matter what I think or do... No matter how much dirt is on me or how much I doubted Him, He will always, ALWAYS come back to rescue  me.
His love?! Oh, His love is... How should I describe it? One thing I know: I do not deserve it. I don't ! But still, here comes His love like a sunrise. When everything is dark in your life, cold and numb, here comes this perfect love, this pure love and embrace you, flood your heart, takes away all those negative things and makes you feel brand new... You are a brand new person...



So in this year trust His word. Trust Him with your life. He will never leave our sights. Oh,  how He love us! His unfailing love for you will not be shaken...

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;                     Since you are precious and honored in my sight,        
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.          and because I love you,
When you pass through the waters,                           I will give people in exchange for you,
    I will be with you;                                                      nations in exchange for your life.
and when you pass through the rivers,                        Do not be afraid, for I am with you"
    they will not sweep over you.              
When you walk through the fire,                                                              Isaiah 43:2,4,5
    you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
He loved us first.. Think about it!

joi, 3 ianuarie 2013

My 2013 Wish List

1. Have my best relationship with God.









2. Be a better person.
 









3. Finish my first year of college :)) College is nothing like I thought it would be.








4. Find my true self...
\
.











5. Visit a foreign country ( China, Greece, France or USA) <3




6. Take a scholarship.
7. Learn to swim. :| I know...









8. Buy a new  cell phone. yep...I need a brand new cell phone...:D










9. Meet him... :)))











10. Have a walk to remember...




















11. Have a run in the rain.    With him or without him...


12. Climb a mountain.

13. Make a difference in the world.

14. Buy a Canon.











15. Write more. :)
Those are some of my wishes for this year. Hope they'll come true...:D
What about your wishes?


marți, 10 iulie 2012

Thoughts (Chapter 5)


Well,  in momentul de fata sunt la tara… un mic sat numit Suaras.  Veriile copilariei in mare parte aici le-am petrecut. Au trecut  exact 3 saptamani de cand m-am intors acasa si inca nu m-am saturat de frumusetea care ma inconjoara. Nu ma refer la gropile din asfalt sau  mizerile aruncate aiurea cand recipientul pentru gunoi se afla la doar 2 metri mai in fata. Vorbesc de frumusetea satului. Frumusetea naturii neatinse inca de prostia omului. (Mi-e teama ca in curand va disparea orice urma de natura si urbanismul ii va lua locul…) E atat de liniste si CALM aici.  Satul natal al tatalui meu este extraordinar. Asezat intr-o vale, inconjurat pretutindeni de movile imense verzi, presarate ici-colo cu livezi si strabatut de 2 vai, Suaras este un sat care te “fura” intr-o clipeala. Pentru o zi sau mai multe vei putea chiar sa uiti de grijile care te apasa… Aici cerul parca e mai albastru si norii parca nu sunt atat de intunecati.  E Suaras – satul natal al tatalui meu.
Cum as putea spune ca sunt saraca? Cum m-as putea plange cand am binecuvantarea de a ma bucura de aceste minunatii… cel putin pentru acum?    Vara trecuta am cunoscut o tipa din America, Jenny.  Ne plimbam aiurea si nu contenea sa se minuneze de fiecare copac, fiecare fir de iarba netaiat , de traiul simplu, de o floare, sau de ciripitul unei pasari...  (eram in oras…) Imi zicea ca trebuie sa  ne simtim atat de binecuvantati ca ne putem bucura inca de salbaticia naturii… In momentul respectiv am ras in gandul meu si  imi ziceam ca nu putea vorbi serios… I mean, suntem cam cu 50 de ani in urma lor…practic suntem primitivi. Insa dupa ce am locuit 3 luni intr-un loc destul de pustiu, fara prea multa vegetatie am ajuns sa imi dau seama despre ce vorbea. Parca nici gropile nu le mai vad atat de bine.:)) Serios acuma... Iubesc tara aceasta, dar nu iubesc oamenii corupti. Si cei din urma sunt motivul pentru care atat de multi romani isi fac camine dincolo de granitele ei. 
Sa nu ma intelegeti gresit, voi cei care imi cititi gandurile, cand voi zice: Oare toti scriitorii isi gasesc atat de greu un subiect despre care sa scrie? Nu ma cred scriitoare, ci mai degraba  o sclava a cuvintelor. Cand eram mai mica, pe vremea cand toate fetele aveau jurnal cu lacatel,  mi-am cumparat si eu, nu unul ci mai multe. Chestia era ca nici macar nu stiam ce sa scriu in ele. Vedeti voi, pe atunci nu eram decat o copila, nu am strabatut furtuni, nu am fost doborata de valuri, nu am avut parte de experiente care sa ma marcheze sau incercari care sa-mi descopere izvorul cuvintelor. Crescand, acestea m-au izbit tot mai mult, tot mai des… Viata mea se transforma incet incet intr-o cursa a alegerilor. Am inceput sa fiu chinuita de alegeri, bantuita de consecinte, lovita de incertitudini. Toate aceste lucruri negative cat si pozitive m-au condus incet incet pe drumul cuvintelor.  L-a inceput alegeam cuvinte la nimereala si le asezam una langa alta in speranta ca va iesi ceva.  Imi citesc adeseori primul jurnal in care am reusit sa pun cateva ganduri si ma amuz copios. Eram tare saraca in cuvinte pe atunci.  Cu timpul am tot inaintat pe drum. Am inceput sa-mi dau seama de combinatii. Am inceput sa invat culoriile lor si cum ar trebui asezate in asa fel incat buchetul sa arate frumos. Uneori cand un sentiment nu imi dadea pace, incercam sa scap de el prin scris. (Ati auzit de terapie scrisului nu? Pentru mine de cele mai multe ori functioneaza.) Ei bine, nu intotdeauna am reusit sa gasesc cuvintele care sa descrie exact ce simt. Cautam zile intregi pe sub pietre,  dupa copaci si tufe de macies, insa nu le gaseam. Pe cateva si acum le mai caut si continui sa sper ca le voi gasi.
Cutiuta mea inca mai are loc de cuvinte. Nu sunt foarte multumita de numarul lor. Incerc sa inaintez pe drum, insa uneori e atat de cald si nici un izvor nu se iveste pe cale. Ma asez la umbra unui copac si parca astept sa cada cuvintele din el, ceea ce nu se intampla binenteles.  Azi de exemplu am putut auzi cuvintele strigand sa trec la treaba… Am ascultat nu cu foarte mult chef si am inceput sa scriu “Well,  in momentul de fata sunt la tara… un mic sat numit Suaras.  Veriile copilariei…”