You've only got one heart!

I've always taken such good care of my heart until now. Well, is not broken or anything like that. Just painfully annoying. I must say that I never was and I'll never be the kind of girl that would get into a relationship just because everybody does it or just because it's fun. My whole love thing theory is pretty simple.  Erich Fromm  once said : 'Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.' I totally agree with him. There has to be some understanding between those two: passion and reason. Somebody told me once ' Just go with the flow'. If your heart demands something just give her whatever she wants. Just do it. Wrong. Our hearts are pretty sneaky and easy to be tricked. Some nice words and they melt right away. I know...  I've been fighting with her for a couple of months now. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes I just wanna give up and take whatever I want without considering I might lose so much more. Sometimes my heart hurts so bad, I can barely breathe. There are times when I would fly away and never look back; days when I don't even have the will to get my butt outta bed, when I can't sleep, I can't eat and so on. When all I can think about is that thing. <- And that's what I hate the most. I don't wanna feel that way. You might say 'Go and get it if you want it!', but all I can think about is ' Is it really worth it? ' You might think I'm weak for not taking risks or that I'm too rational. The truth is I've only got ONE heart. One beautiful heart and I wanna take good care of her so that when I'll finally  meet the one, to be able to look into his beautiful eyes and let him know my heart waited for him faithfully. So, you call me weak? Think twice!

Now, you all know Kahlil Gibran. He was a Lebanese-American artist, poet, and writer and he is chiefly known in the English-speaking world for his 1923 book 'The Prophet' <- beautiful book. I'm gonna post a paragraph about reason and passion, from it, so make time and read it because it's... "pure art".

"Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
 But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?
Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
 And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.
I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.
 Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.
Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows -- then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."
And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky -- then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."
 And since you are a breath in God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion."

...and you've only got one heart! Take good care of her...

Traiesti?

Viata e scurta, stii? Azi esti, maine nu. Te gandesti sa traiesti clipa din plin ca si cum nu ar fi un "maine". Si alergi...Alergi in dreapta, alergi in stanga, mai faci un pas in fata, inca o suta in spate, incerci sa umpli golul ce-l simti inlauntrul tau. Golul acela pe care incerci atat de mult sa-l ignori. Mimezi fericirea, gandindu-te ca pana la urma o sa devina realitate... Nu te insela...
Nu de mult am vazut un batranel lovit de o masina. Nu stiu exact cum s-a intamplat. Eram in autobuz si priveam in gol pe fereastra, cand batranelul acesta a aparut, parca, de nicaieri. Niciodata nu am vazut un accident pe viu. Cand vezi la telvizor accidente, te cuprinde poate tristetea si compatimirea pentru oamenii in cauza, insa cand se intampla chiar in fata ochilor tai e diferit; cel putin pentru mine asa e. Nu-mi amintesc sa ma fi simtit asa de rau decat atunci cand a murit bunica mea. Un sentiment straniu si urat...urat de tot, mi-a cuprins intreaga fiinta. Imi venea sa plang, sa strig, sa fug... Sa fug... Chiar a fost ciudat. Era ca si cum ar fi fost moartea acolo; raul acela care staruia in aer. Si sentimentul ala nasol m-a insotit intreaga saptamana. Mi-am dat seama atunci ca intr-o clipa se poate duce totul... Si ce-ai facut atunci? Unde te trezesti?
  Traiesti ziua de azi ca si cum ar fi ultima si esti mereu pe fuga. Alergi cat poti, sperand ca moartea nu te va ajunge.  In maratonul acesta te alimentezi cu ce poti , cu ce gasesti in drum, iei in graba toate nimicurile care iti apar in cale dorind sa "traiesti" cat mai apuci sa o faci. Adevarul e ca aceste lucruri nu fac decat sa ii dea putere mortii. In loc sa umpli golul, il maresti...si te simti tot mai pustiu, tot mai mort. Aceasta nu e viata pe care ti-ai imaginat-o cand erai doar un copil inocent. Ce-ar fi sa te opresti din alergat, sa iei un loc pe banca, sa privesti spre cer si sa-l chemi pe Creator sa umple golul din inima ta? Ai cautat destul prin resturile lumii acesteia. Ce cauti tu, nu vei gasi pe acest pamant. 
In tine, e o parte care tanjeste dupa mai mult. O parte din tine stie ca exista ceva mai mult decat lumea aceasta. Da-i mai multa putere acelei parti. Curaj sa te intinzi dupa aripile copilariei. Curaj sa te intrebi, curaj sa cauti, curaj sa schimbi mersul vietii tale. Nu te cunosc, habar nu am cum te cheama si care e viata ta, insa daca simti golul acela in inima ta, te rog opreste-te din alergat si cheama-l pe acela care s-a dat pe Sine pentru tine. Iti promit ca merita. Nu o sa fie usor dar merita. Vor mai fi furtuni in viata ta, incercari si zile proaste, am avut si eu multe, diferenta e ca intotdeauna vei avea un brat puternic de care sa te sprijini, un prieten care iti va fi MEREU aproape, indiferent de cate ori o dai in bara,  si promisiunea unei vieti vesnice alaturi de cel mai maret Dumnezeu si cei mai tari oameni care au trait vreodata. -> and an ENDLESS PARTY!!!

Take some minutes to watch this video... Then take some time to think about what God did for you. Someone wrote once : "I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't  and die to find out there is." This life can be awesome too without all the shitty things you do "for fun"... Don't fool yourself, you know you're missing something... >:d<

Letters to an old friend ( #3 )

             Dear Friend,


Don't know what happened with us. Actually I do have an idea. It's me. It's always me. I tend to push away the people I love most. Don't know why am I doing this. Self-preservation and self-destructive in the same time I think. I'm so afraid of being hurt  that I rather end it before it starts cause it hurts less, you know.  Anyways, I'm not sorry. You were a good guy, but I've realized you weren't the one. It was better to stop it in time. In this way you wouldn't waste my time and I wouldn't waste yours and we wouldn't have had deal with broken hearts either.(Win-Win) I remember you called me a coward. That was a harsh word but I forgave you. You were upset and you had every right though I didn't and I don't like to think of myself being a coward just because I didn't wanna take risks in relationships. I was just careful with my heart. It was once broken and I think once is enough.  You promised you wouldn't hurt me but in some ways you did and it hurt like hell. Coward you say? I say courage. Cause you turned my world around, you made me laugh, happy, loved, beautiful but in the same time you gave me the worst feelings. How could it be? Don't know, but I didn't felt safe, secure... I always taught you were too good to be true and I was always prepared to see you walk away from me. Until that day when I realized I couldn't live like that anymore, I couldn't so I did it myself, I walked away from you, from us. Courage! It took me a lot of guts to walk away...
However, I heard that you're married now. Glad to hear that and I'm honest when I'm saying this. I prayed for you after we split. I prayed for your happiness, I prayed for that girl who will find you. I want you to be happy. God knows you deserve it.
In the end I just want to remind you that, you're important and you have so much to give the world. Don't let your passion burn away. Use it! Listen to what God is whispering into your soul and let Him lead your way. Let yourself be what God created you to be. You know what it is. You know it, don't pretend is not there. 

                                                                                                       Sincerely,
                                                                                                              Anne


P.S
This is my last letter to you, farewell my friend.
May your life be filled with joy, happiness, peace and love.

Letters to an old friend ( #2 )

            My beloved friend,


    I am wondering if you remember our first proper date. Cause I do. Every single detail. Don't know why, we - girls, have to remember like, everything. Makes it so hard when you're trying to forget someone. I remember we went for a tea and ended up walking without a destination. Just walking... It was so easy to be around you. No pressure, no empty conversations, no awkwardness. Even if we didn't discuss where we'll spend the evening, we both agreed tacitly: the lake. We weren't normal people, so we didn't took a seat on the bench. Instead we laid on the grass and watched the stars. It was such a clear sky, such a beautiful evening. I still remember the sound made by crickets and frogs, the light of the moon on your face, your soft voice telling me about your future plans, about the promises you made to God and how you're afraid you're not going to be able to fulfill them. I'm still praying for you, you know? Asking God to guide you, to take care of you and lead you to your purpose. I've told you then and I'm telling you right now: I know it's hard to step out from your comfort  zone. I know it's hard to change. There will be obstacles in your way, giants who will try their best to keep you away from your amazing destiny. You were made for so much more than living, working, getting married and have kids. You were made to do great things. I believe in you, it's time for you to do the same. Follow your dreams! Don't let them fade away. You CAN do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens you. (Philippians 4:13) Remember that, would you?

While I was talking you asked me if I was alright, cause my voice was shaking a little. I tried  to be brave but I couldn't. There were so many things rushing through my mind... Had so much pain in my heart because of Juliette abortion. You saw beyond my fake smile, you knew something wasn't right. It was a nice feeling; to know I have somebody who truly cares about my feelings. You listened to me. You prayed with me. You were such an encouragement for me. I didn't even know how the time past so quickly. Even if I didn't want to, I had to go home cause my parents were expecting me at a decent hour. Hahaha... Yeah, my sweetest parents.
You walked me home, though we could've take your car. I didn't complained. I'm sure we both wanted to spent a little more time together.  It was such a beautiful night... Do you remember? Do you?


                                                                                                     With love,
                                                                                                              Anne

Letters to an old friend ( #1 )

               My dear friend,

        It's been a long time since I've seen your smiling face. Sometimes I'm still thinking about you, wondering  'what if?' I remember the first time I saw your face. It was somewhere around Christmas. I didn't noticed  you at first. I was so shy. The room was so crowded and I barely knew two or three people in there. But then you stand up from where you were sitting and came right to me with a plate full of cookies. You smiled  at me and ask me if I wanted a cookie. I said 'No' but then you insisted and that was it, I had to. You were smiling so beautiful.Then you took a seat beside me and we talked, and talked, and talked. And for a couple of hours I forgot about everything. Then the meeting was over so you took me home. I loved every single    minute of that road. It was like we knew each other since forever. You were such a gentleman. You did not tried to impress me with your sophisticated job nor with your fancy car or anything else. You were you. The  most careful, simple and educated guy I knew. When we finally arrived at my home you opened my car door for me. I thought to myself  " He is something..." On that moment I didn't know if you did it just to leave a good impression or something...but in time I realized that, that was just the way you were. No masks, just  an honest man. I hate masks. I hate when people pretend to be something that they are not. But not you. You were always sincere. Always... It's just... Doesn't matter anymore...

          I have to go now. I have guests. I'll write you soon.

                                                                                                           With love,

                                                                                                                     Anne

I wont fall !

Incerc sa imi gasesc cuvintele... Uneori imi e atat de greu sa scriu ceva, parca mi-ar lipsi orice abilitate de a ma exprima. De obicei asta mi se intampla atunci cand sentimentele imi sunt messed up. In ultimele zile mi-am vazut cerul albastru, frumos, transformandu-se in cel mai urat gri posibil pe lumea asta. Uneori viata poate fi atat de urata... Zilele trecute, mai exact joi, pe cand eram inca la cursuri, am primit o veste proasta. Am facut ce am stiut mai bine. Mi-am tras un zambet pe fata si am parasit sala. Afara ploua incet. Aerul era proaspat si revigorant. Mi-am deschis umbrela si am pasit pe trotuarul umed. Drumul spre casa a fost lung si sec. Nu puteam gandi foarte multe. Cand am ajuns in fata blocului, nu prea aveam chef sa intru inauntru. Asa ca am facut o plimbare. Doar eu, umbrela mea, James Blunt si Dumnezeu. In momentul acela, credeam ca sunt doar eu cu umbrela si cu James. Insa azi pot spune ca Dumnezeu nu m-a parasit, chiar daca am pretins asta cateva zile. Eram suparata si manioasa. De ce a permis sa se intample asa ceva? De ce nu face El nimic? De ce tace? De ce nu e acolo cand aveam nevoie de El? Adevarul e, ca El niciodata nu plecase - eram doar orbita de durere, eram intrigata si nu puteam vedea dincolo de suferinta. Am uitat ca trebuie sa ma incred in Dumnezeu. Am uitat de dragostea Lui, de  promisiunile Lui. Am uitat ca El nu face nimic fara sa nu aiba un scop bine stabilit, un plan care lucreaza spre binele nostru. Inca nu inteleg si nici nu vad cum aceasta ar putea sa se transforme in ceva bun, insa aleg sa ma incred in El. Daca El m-a iubit atat de mult incat si-a sacrificat propriul Fiu pentru mine, macar atat ii datorez - increderea mea. Stiu ca El nu va parasi familia mea sau pe mine.
 In ultimele zile am primit multe incurajari pentru care sunt foarte multumitoare. Unele persoane m-au sfatuit, altii s-au rugat pt mine iar altii mi-au dat imbratisari. M-am simtit cu adevarat binecuvantata si ii multumesc lui Dumnezeu pentru aceste persoane. Daca esti dispus sa vezi... nu ai cum sa nu iti dai seama de dragostea lui Dumnezeu, chiar si atunci cand treci prin probleme. El lasa in viata ta oameni care sa te incurajeze si care sa te iubeasca. Oamenii care sa te sprijineasca, sa-ti stearga lacrimile sau sa planga cu tine :)) Depinde de situatie... Unelte in mana Creatorului. O data, eram acasa la sora mea si aveam grija de nepoteii mei. Nu-mi amintesc exact situatia, dar stiu ca eram suparata si cateva lacrimi si-au facut loc pe obrazul meu. Nepotelul meu, sa fi avut pe atunci 2 ani, a venit la mine, nu a spus nimic, ci doar mi-a sters lacrimile si m-a imbratisat. Era doar un copil dar cumva a stiut ca nu sunt in regula. Am simtit in imbratisarea lui, imbratisarea Tatalui si a fost cea mai dulce imbratisare...amintire pe care o voi pretui intotdeauna. Nu suntem niciodata singuri, si nu inteleg de ce uneori ne incapatanam sa credem asta. De ce atunci cand dam de greu, ne intoarcem imediat sa ii reprosam lui Dumnezeu? De ce ii suntem multumitori doar atunci cand primim lucruri bune, dar atunci cand suntem pusi la incercare, ne razvratim in doi timpi si trei miscari?
As vrea sa iti pot spune de ce Dumnezeu ne incearca uneori. Chiar si eu as vrea sa stiu de ce o face. De ce permite anumite lucruri sa se intample... Stiu doar ca aurul in foc se curateste si ca El vede dincolo de astazi, El cunoaste viitorul. El vede persoana care sunt astazi, persoana care as putea fi si prin ce trebuie sa trec ca sa ajung acolo. Daca am intelege tot ce lucreaza si tot ce are in minte, nu ar mai fi Dumnezeu.
Nu stiu cum e Dumnezeul tau sau cum il vezi tu pe Dumnezeu sau daca ai unul...
Insa iti pot spune despre Dumnezeul meu...Oh... E atat de bun, atat de multa dragoste si pace cata am gasit la El, nu am gasit in lumea intreaga si nimeni nu a putut sa imi dea ce mi-a dat El. Nu stiu de ce sunt incercata, dar azi aleg sa ma incred in El. Il iubesc atat de mult si stiu ca nu ar face nimic sa ma raneasca. Iar daca a sosit timpul ca unele persoane dragi din viata mea sa ma paraseasca, stiu ca El imi va umple golul lasat de plecarea lor. Stiu ca nu ma va parasi si nici nu ma va lasa sa disper. Stiu ca imi va fi intotdeauna aproape, asa cum mi-a fost si pana acum. Mereu credincios, indiferent de comportamentul meu. M-a iertat de nenumarate ori si de nenumarate ori m-a ridicat pe bratele Lui atunci cand nu mai puteam inainta. Stiu ca o va face si de data aceasta. Parca il aud soptindu-mi "Putin credincioasa", privindu-ma trist si apoi aplecandu-se sa ma ridice...
N-am facut nimic sa merit o asemenea dragoste...si totusi o simt in fiecare dimineata inundându-mi inima...

"Iată ce mai gândesc în inima mea şi iată ce mă face să mai trag nădejde:
 bunătăţile Domnului nu s-au sfârşit, îndurările Lui nu sunt la capăt,
 ci se înnoiesc în fiecare dimineaţă. Şi credincioşia Ta este atât de mare! –
 „Domnul este partea mea de moştenire”, zice sufletul meu; de aceea nădăjduiesc în El.
 Domnul este bun cu cine nădăjduieşte în El, cu sufletul care-L caută. "

                                                          ( Plangerile lui Ieremia 3:21-25)